Yuhuuuu ketemu lagi di post review tantangan. Kali ini tantangannya adalah tantangan EF 16.3 (EF 36)
tentang tiga hal. Terima kasih kami ucapkan untuk mbak Dwi
yang telah bersedia untuk direview postnya, dan juga kepada mbak Eva
untuk kesediannya mereview. Yuk kita simak dan sama-sama belajar!
Review Tantangan EF 16.3: Three Expectations for Public Transportation
This is my first post
for EF’s challenge since I have written for
EF#16.1 and #16.2 challenge
but I didn’t post it. For this challenge, I am writing (because you’re in the middle of explaining what you write)
about what I expect from public transportation since I am a loyal user of public transportation. In a
big city, such as Jakarta, public transportation is an answer for traffic jam and air pollution. As a user there are three things that I expect from public transportation : (public transportation user is not technically wrong, but the common term for that would be a commuter)
There was a lot of incident related with public transportation. Accidents (since we’re talking plural) between trains and minibuses, fire on Transjakarta buses, sexual harassment on minivans (there’s no such thing as mikrolet), etc.
Recently, a news broadcasted a man fell out of minibus (metromini) after he was pick pocketed.
Suggestion: I heard in the news recently a man fell out of minibus (metromini) after he was pickpocketed (pickpocket is one word).
*(No “a news” here, there’s no singular form of it
*(I deleted the broadcast)
*(try NOT to use passive voice unless you master it. Use the form subject-verb-object because it’s safer)
And he was
dead killed. (Dead is also correct, but he was dead because he fell out of minibus, therefore he was killed)
It was scary since I used to take the public transportation (Suggestion: use “take public transport” instead of “go by public transport”)
So, I need public transportation to be safe from accidents because of irresponsible driver, pickpocketing and sexual harassments. (If nouns come right after because, then use because of, if a subject comes after because, then you can use ONLY because.)
As a passenger, we should not stay
quiet if we see
something strange. The last sentence is also grammatically correct, but it’s more common to say – we should speak up if we see something strange instead of NOT stay quiet. Use positive form than negative form.
I expect regulation related with punctuality of public transportation and officer to maintain the rules.
Suggestion: Perhaps, I could rephrase it better with “I hope that they would make a better regulation regarding to punctuality and make sure the rules would being enforced”.
Public transportation must be punctual and serve the best for the passengers. Officers (officers are related to police officers, so perhaps officials is better suited word) are needed to enforce the rules, such as priority chairs for priority passengers, no meal and drink in public transportation, etc. There is a joke saying that rules are made to be broken. People tend to break the rules if there is nobody to enforce them. (Avoid the use of word “officers” because it relates to police / military officers)
3. Cleanliness (because clean is an adjective and we are using nouns for the subjects)
Most people don’t want to ride public transportation because of (again, learn the difference between because and because of ) hygiene problem. Vehicle(s) and supporting facilities (bus station, train station, small mosque and rest room) are dirty (use positive form instead of passive). It is caused by irresponsible people that use facilities improperly. And might be there are no workers / janitors to keep the facilities clean.
I know this story is untidy with improper grammar and vocabulary and I need to practice more.
Overall comment from mbak Eva:
Overall, great post! Sorry if I seem to be too harsh with the corrections! I think this post is very clear and to the point and the writer managed to relay the message further to the audience. Only minor things to be corrected, like the use of certain words that are maybe common in Indonesian translation but not quite right on the ears of native speaker (officers, mikrolet, killed instead of dead etc). I think the only fix I could think of is to read more! Read more English books, magazines, then your brain would automatically learn all the common words used in varied situations and learn to use it as well in your own sentences.